Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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