Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
