i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
