vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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