and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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