remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
