I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Bring me that man meat
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
