well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
