worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
