I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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