dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
