6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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