I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
