When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
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