Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I woke up under a house in Key West
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