Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
