I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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