I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
