Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
