We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
