You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
