be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
