i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
