Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
