Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
