apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
