I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
