Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize
