i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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