Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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