the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
