thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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