I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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