I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
