So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
