i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
