I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
