it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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