she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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