Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
