i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
