Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
