Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
