Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
