I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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