i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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