whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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