I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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