is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
