Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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