Nicole vs. Life
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I am full of burrito and curiosity
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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