Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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