I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
