Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
