you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
