We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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